Got approximately 50 minutes of sleep before the dreams got bad, again.

I’ve been doing so well. I really have. I was starting to let go. I was starting to let the past be the past. Not forgetting. Just letting things go.

But, for whatever reason, I couldn’t do anything but think about you yesterday/last night. Since I’ve been up, I’ve cried, screamed, denied the whole thing (again), and blamed everyone I could.

There are still tears rolling down my cheeks. And my eyes are so tear filled I can hardly see the screen. Not to mention the physical ache I get in my chest when I think about you. It’s ridiculous.

The more I try not to cry, the worse it gets. Chub will be up soon; I have to be over this before he gets up. Otherwise, I’ll have an incredibly depressed kid. I honestly think he’s the only reason I’ve been as strong and held together as I have. I know I can’t cry in front of him. I know I can’t break when he’s around.

It usually hits sometime around 3 to 5am. I wake up from some dreadful nightmare, cry my eyes out, write you a letter you’ll never read, and then I work on getting the facade back up. It’s a repeat process almost every morning.

I’m babbling. Honestly, though, who cares? Apparently I’ve got something to say or feelings to convey. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing this.

Chub turns 5 today. I feel so old.

I’m also getting an enormous amount of attitude from Madi because it’s apparently unfair that I came home for Chub’s birthday but she “had to go all the way to stupid Nashville for hers”
Not sure when she got so feisty.

Anyway, we registered the kids for kindergarten. In Nashville.
Wasn’t an easy decision but it needed to be made.
We’re gonna spend the summer at home in Ohio; but in mid August we’re southbound for the school year

:)

Going home tomorrow. But just for a few days.
I head back down here on Wednesday of next week.

This is so much more amazing than I anticipated.

I’ve been clean for a month.
I feel so positively amazing.
:)

where I am seriously considering deleting all of my phone contacts.

I don’t talk to any most of them anyway.

Not to mention, I always feel like I’m interrupting or bothering the people I do talk to.

So, I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll delete them all. If they want to talk; they’ll call or text.

This way I don’t feel like I’m bothering them.

It’s a win-win for everybody.